quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
