heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There's a naked man in my car right now.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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