The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just gift wrapped bread.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
