Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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