I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize