The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
