Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
