she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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