just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
