he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
