fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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