On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
