turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
