They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
