The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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