I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
