they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
