Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
