Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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