Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
