it hurts more in the daytime
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
