Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
