Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
