Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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