I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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