I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
