I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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