I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
