u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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