Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
