awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
