Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
