Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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