I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
