i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just had sex bonerless
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
This toilet bowl is my home.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
