I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
