upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
