there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
