just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
