Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
