I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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