I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I have feelings that need drinking.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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