he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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