he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
