Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
