woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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