You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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