My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
