Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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