I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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