After last night, I could never be a politician.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
