Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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