just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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