I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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